Seriously, I wish that I could make such profound statements and have them considered to be front-page newsworthy. "Cute kittens are cute." "People who drive too fast more likely to die in fiery vehicular explosions." "Drinking discovered to lead to hangovers, hookups with fugly coworkers, unwanted pregnancies." "Fire is hot. Like, really hot." And so on.
And to think that people actually get paid for such nonsense.