Knight of Mars (sailornash) wrote,
Knight of Mars

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What's wrong with me?

Why can I not seem to keep up a friendship with people who aren't physically with me? First, Caleb moves to the other side of town. I completely lost track of him up until last semester. Even now, the last time I heard from him, he was going to show up here in T-town sometime last semester. He wasn't able to drop by, and I haven't called him up since. First it was Finals, then all the Christmas chaos and a minor cold during the holiday, now I'm back up here. I honestly want to keep in touch, but never seem to have the time to call anyone up.

Same thing happened to Adam (N). I still think of him as my right-hand man. Last I heard from him, I called him up to make plans with him to hang out over my birthday. He was busy but said he'd call me back. Never happened. Since then, I've just been too busy to call. I know that's no excuse, but there just never seems to be enough time. I know, Timmie just died. I know I've been pulling all nighters to get ready for the Cal III test or whatever other project I had at the time. But that's no excuse...

Same thing happened with Jason (W) last semester. One of the most interesting guys I've ever met. I told him that I wanted to try to keep in touch after he graduated, but he hasn't written me anything. Don't want to act like a stalker or anything. Also, what the hell do I write? "Hi. How has life been going? Fine here." Same thing with Lee...I see him on AIM and talk to him off and on, but we just don't seem to have anything to talk about. He's all businesslike and shit now, being an accountant or whatever. I'm still just going to classes and doing homework. I hardly ever IM him, but when I do, we both just kinda sit there and not say anything until I just say that I gotta go. It really sucks...

I wrote Ben once or twice after he graduated. Eventually, I wrote him a letter that he didn't reply to, and I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him since. It's not that I forgot about him - he's cool as fuck, and I miss hanging out with him. He's also one of the most interesting guys I happen to know; him, Adam, and Jason all are neck and neck for the top spot. I wrote him a small Happy Birthday card on the 17th, not knowing that he even still had the same email addy. Just got a reply tonight. Great news! But then again, he reminded me how long it's been since the last email. Apparently it was pre 9-11. Damn, how the hell did it get to be so long? That's what has set me off on this half-rant, half-cry for help tonight. I miss the guy. If I could, I'd teleport him and Adam (H) down here just to hang out for the weekend. I know it's overly sentimental, but I still have the b-day present that Ben gave me his last year here sitting on top of my computer monitor. I care about these people, and more than anything want to keep in touch with them. Why the hell is it so hard? Why can't I seem to manage this?

Anyway, I'm left here to wonder how the hell to maintain friendships with all the folks that used to be such close friends. I have a few online-only friends, like some of you here on LJ. I've never met half of you guys, and likely never will. But people who I've been friends with for years keep slipping through the cracks. How can I maintain a friendship with people on the other side of the country (or in other countries in some cases), but can't keep up with people I used to share an appartment with? Most don't have AIM or even check their email all that often; like I said, Ben just now read his birthday email a full three weeks after the day had passed. I'm sure that's part of the reson, cause I mainly use AIM and email to keep in touch with the people I care about. But even with those who do have AIM - like Lee - I still can't seem to stay in touch with. And with Adam and Caleb, I actually have their phone numbners. I have free nights and weekends on my cell phone, and nationwide long distance. But I never have time to call them up, and when I do, I never can get in touch with them.

Blarg. Everything sucks. The friends I do have are incredible. If it weren't so late, I'd post all the stuff that Jason (E) did for me this past weekend, but that'll have to be tomorrow between classes. The bad thing is no matter how close I am to people...Adam (N), Caleb, Lee, John, Jason (W), Adam (H), Ben...I always end up loosing contact with them completely. I hate that. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I had some way of keeping friends after they move away. Bah.
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