Knight of Mars (sailornash) wrote,
Knight of Mars

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Han Solo still shot first, dammit!

Huh. Just got a letter from the HR department at work. They said that they can't find any of my payroll information for this year, the last financial records they have dating back to 2005. So they mailed me a W-4 form and want me to fill it out with my current information.

Not to be an asshole, but while complying with their request, I'm going to have to fill out this tax form with things like "0 hours" worked, "$0" as the amount of money I've made working for them this year (if you can even call it working), and so forth. Just tellin' the truth, and filling out the form as best I'm able. Maybe this'll either convince them to deploy me somewhere, or at the very least clue them in on why I'm beginning to interview with other companies elsewhere. Nothing against them, but if you can't pay me then I'm out the door.

Aside from that, I was logging on here to repost an amusing article that I found. It was on another personal website, so I'll cut-and-paste the comments here as well as linking to the original source. Definitely a must-read if you've ever bitched and moaned about Midichlorians or anything else about the Star Wars universe. Today's geek humor comes from where it was posted in mid-August (about halfway down the page) under the title "Star Wars musings":

Star Wars musings

I've been having a bout of insomnia lately (personal issues, stress...don't ask. I have no answers), so I've spent a lot of nights watching movies. I just downloaded and watched all six Star Wars movies, back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to.....back (there. six.). After viewing them thinking about the whole saga as a whole, I came up with a lot of logical inconsistencies that not even Wookiepedia had the answers to. Here are some of them:

(note: I'm sure some Star Wars geek somewhere has already raised these points....shut up. I don't care. This is probably the only content you're going to get for the month of August):

- when Anakin Skywalker jumps over Obi-wan Kenobi at the end of their fight on Mustafar, and Obi-wan slices all his limbs off.....why didn't Darth Maul think of doing something like that? It was the same damn move that Obi-wan pulled in Episode 1. Maul had the high ground and everything. Instead, he just stood there like a dumb ass and let Kenobi split him in half. Nice going, Sithhead.

- Speaking of that fight: HIGHER FUCKING GROUND?! What the hell does that mean? The two of them tumbled over each other 30 bazillion times on a sinking barge and all over the command centre, and all of a sudden that's like Obi-wan's special trump card ultimatum? That he has the higher ground? I've seen Jedis leap hundreds of feet....that doesn't even mean anything to them. Seriously now. Higher fucking ground! And the funny thing is--Anakin didn't even do it right. Way to go, Chosen One. Die in a Fire. Literally.

- And another thing: Is there no such fucking thing as radiant heat on Mustafar? Except, of course, when the plot demands it? ...ah, yes, of course: They used the Force to repel the heat....until Anakin lost his appendages, in which case the sudden amputee trauma distracted his Force concentration, which let the heat in.

- Palpatine somehow kept his identity as Darth Sidious a secret for three fucking movies just by wearing a hood. That's the worst fucking disguise since Robin's dinky little mask. Even more insulting: Nearly all Jedis interacted with him at one point or another, and none of them could see through such a masterful costume. In the words of an adept of The Schwartz: "You fell for it! What a fool! What's with you man, come on!?" It'd be funny if Palpatine showed up at the end and just shouted "FOOOOLED YOOOOU!" Boy, I can't wait until Spaceballs 3: The Search For Part 2.

(yes, I know: He also used a different voice...but come on, these are Jedi. They're supposed to have powers of premonition and foresight and prediction and clairvoyance to find stolen data tapes and...well, maybe not that)

- General Grievous is the notorious "Jedi Killer" yet doesn't kill any Jedi. I know, I know: watch the fucking cartoon/read the books/the comic/the codex/the holiday special/blah blah fucking blah. Look, Lucas said it himself: IF IT'S NOT IN THE MOVIES, IT'S NOT CANON. According to Wookieepiedia, in fact, the lightsabres he keeps as souvenirs were actually gifts from Count Dookoo--who trained him in the art of lightsabre fighting--so no one's really sure if he killed any Jedi at all. Or, at least, any Jedi worth mentioning. He fought Mace Windu once. Windu force-choked him to the point of death before he barely escaped. That's why he's coughing all the time.

- Despite the legendary claim that upset wookiees "pull people's arms out of their sockets", no wookiee--not even Chewbacca--does this in any of the six films. So much for that legend. It's more likely Solo was just trying to scare 3PO. But...oh, come on, it's fucking 3PO. You can scare him by saying the bathroom floor is wet. "Oh no, we'll be doomed for sure."

- All this time we were wondering how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. We assumed it was due to a long, masterful process of subtle suggestion, delicate subterfuge, and slow, boiling madness orchestrated by Palpatine, gently twisting the knife of the Dark Side into Anakin's consciousness, breathing hatred, anger, jealousy and doubt into his ears like Iago poisoning the trust of Othello......but nope, nothing diabolical like that happened. George Lucas is way too smart to inject any kind of Sith-driven, god-forsaken badass mindfuckery into the plot. Instead, Anakin turned to evil for the same reasons all spoiled teenagers do: He missed his mommy, Obi-wan never respected him, the Jedi Council wouldn't give him a promotion and he wet the bed (and since he wet the bed dreaming about Padme, who's to know what, exactly, he was wetting the bed with). The final nail in the coffin was great: Mace Windu dead, Anakin cries "Oh no, what have I done?" So, at this point, he's thinking "Shit, I should go tell Master Yoda about this." Or "Holy shit, there's the Sith Lord, the source of all our problems, right in front of me. I better kill him now while he's still weak." But instead, he goes "Wow, this is some pretty fucked up shit. I have no choice but to do as you say for now on." Because I'm sure Palpatine offered something he couldn't refuse, like "Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies." And Anakin's like "Okay, I'll do whatever you say, so long as I don't have to suck your lightsabre."


Of course there was a real reason: I'll do whatever you want, Emperor, just tell me how to save Padme. So Emperor says "First, go to the temple and kill all the children." At this point, Anakin thinks "Yes. That makes perfect fucking sense. Padme will be safe once all those children are out of the way."


Yes, this is the origin of the coolest movie villain in cinema history, folks. He's doing it all for the wife n kids. Next, Emperor tells him to go to Mustafar and kill all the Trade Federation doods. Anakin thinks "Yeah, sure, what harm is a few more dignataries. But after that, THEN will you tell me how to save Padme?" The best part is after Anakin gets his suit, the Emperor tells him Padme is dead. What's his response? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


Okay, seriously, at this point Anakin should've just gone fucking ballistic. Imagine James Earl Jones downing two 40s of tequila in the recording studio and belching out these lines: "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! SHE WAS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF ME JOINING THIS DARK SIDE THING!! YOU THINK I FUCKING GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANGER FLOWING THROUGH ME OR THE SITH OR WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU THINK IS EVIL? FUCK THAT SHIT. I DID IT ALL FOR HER, MAN. I HAVE NOTHING NOW! I'MA FUCK YOU UP, CRACKER!" And then he pulls out his lightsabre and slices the Emperor, thus saving us the pain of having to endure that trainwreck of the Original Trilogy. (note: Today is Opposite Day).

Anakin couldn't even make up his fucking mind most of the time. It's like George couldn't decide if Anakin's turn to the Dark Side was the result of being a rebellious teen, or if he was a retarded sevant who didn't know what he was doing, or if the Emperor just tricked him. Badly. Like, worse than when Bugs Bunny dressed up as a girl to seduce Elmer Fudd. For half of Episode II, Anakin's stance was to try to buck authority at every opportunity. "I'm going to disobey the council and go to Tatooine." and then 10 minutes later he's all of a sudden Captain Obedient: "You heard what the council said. I have to stay here." Jesus shit fuck, man, where did this sudden piety come from? And at the very moment that you shouldn't listen to the fucking council because Kenobi really needs you, too. You know, the guy you just claimed was like a father to you. Padme was all gung-ho about saving him, and she barely knows the guy. Are you a retard, or are you just really really stupid?

So whenever you watch the original movies, just Vader is force-choking Captain Needa, underneath that mask, he's thinking "I really miss riding that nerf back on Naboo." Also, in the carbonite chamber, Vader pauses as he passes Chewbacca, looks closely at C3PO strapped to his back, points a menacing finger at him and goes "I made you. Yeah, I know: That's pretty fucked up when you think about it."

- Why would Boba Fett be so distraught that his dad is dead? In case you haven't taken a look around, stupid, you have, like, a million dads. Go back to Komino and get a new one. Hell, pick any one of them from the field, doofus. That Commander Cody looks pretty sharp. Not like you can tell the difference. Any one of them can train you to become the badass bounty hunter you're destined to be.

- Padme has lost the will to wait, first name that one Luke, and that one Leia...okay, NOW I have lost the will to live. Despite the fact that most mothers would throw themselves in front of a bus for their children, Padme doesn't care about their fate. They are damaged goods. She should have just tossed them into the sarlacc pit or something.

- Is it possible to have a lightsabre battle that 1) IS NOT near a bottomless chasm or 2) DOES NOT end with someone's arm getting cut off?

- No matter what happens, Wedge Antilles never dies. He's the anti-red shirt.

- Once upon a time, someone said something really stupid to a little boy. Something about midichlorians, probably to satiate the boy's annoying curiosity. We like to pretend this moment never happened. That's why this thing is never mentioned ever again, in any future movies, books, comics or cartoons, and why we will never explain what it is or what it does and why or what we meant by it. This embarrassing little interlude is the movie equivalent of the humiliating drunken phone call to your ex-girlfriend at 4am. So let's just forget it ever occurred. Let's go back to mystical energy fields and the religious devotion to them. Ahhh...that's much better.

- Your new Sith name shall be......Darth Brooks.

- Annie is a girl's name. I bet that's what Admiral Piett calls him behind his back.

- Remember, people: These movies were meant for kids. They are essentially children's fairy-tale stories. Because there's nothing kids find more interesting than squabbling delegates, political corruption and committees, trade disputes and diplomatic negotiations.

- I like how the Jedi insist that they are "Keepers of the peace; not soldiers" and then later on you see them leading whole armies, obtaining military ranks like "General Kenobi" and laying waste to whole droid and alien battalions single-handedly.

- Anakin could have gotten through the droid factory much easier if he had taken the shortcut. Also, if he had bothered to look up, he would have found a 1up on the top shelf, and a coin box beside a flower pot. He would have to kill the kupa guarding it first, though.

- I know it's obvious to the entire galaxy, but it needs to be reinforced: Jar Jar Binks sucks. I mean it. He really really really fucking sucks copious amounts of rediculous fucking ass.

- It's mentioned that the carbon-freezing facility on Cloud City could potentially be lethal, which is why they test it on Solo first. It would have been funny if Vader's plan to get Luke in there actually worked. So then he goes to check the cannister after, only to find out that Luke did not survive the freezing process. His entire master plan fucked up, Vader again adopts his Frankenstein stance and yells "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

- What a coincidence that Anakin's astromech droid is R2D2, who later becomes Luke's droid. Since 3PO was the only droid who's memory was wiped, you'd think that sooner or later R2 would just tell Luke "Dude, I flew with your dad back in the day. Yeah, he was a badass. He killed many people. Oh, he's also Darth fucking Vader. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Now shut the fuck up, go down to Toschi station and get me some power converters. I got sand in my ball bearings. Bitch."

- The Toschi Station Power Converters would be a good name for a punk band.

- Lightsabres were considerably stronger in the old days. Either Luke constructed a really lousy one because there weren't any Jedi Lightsabre Construction manuals around anymore or his crystal sucked, because he rarely sliced a thing; even in his rage against Darth Vader at the end, he could barely scathe a railing. A lot of sparks flew around though. Or maybe he was just a weakling and he couldn't slice butter with a knife. I'm surprised he mustered the strength to chop off Vader's hand (would it not be picturesque for Vader to scream "NOT AGAIN! FUCK DAMMIT!"). In the old days, of course, almost nothing offered any resistence to the solid, concentrated energy of a lightsabre. Jedis were slicing through whole fucking droid armadas with them. The process got so routine and mundane that the concept of a lightsabre-weilding Jedi vs. anything not force-related was almost boring amd predictable. Almost.

- I guess cloning technology works like photocoying that the more copies of copies you make, the more each copy degrades, crippling the quality. Clones were winning whole wars in the beginning. By the end of the rebellion (20 years later), a whole station of them couldn't hit a fucking farm boy from Tatooine. And later on, an entire army of the empire's best clone troops were defeated by a bunch of stone age teddy bears. That, right there, was the beginning of the end.

I guess that's enough for now.

I'm sure that most of the "true" Star Wars fans on here have had some of the same gripes, especially about the "Special Ed" edition released in the late 90's or the subpar prequel trilogy that followed. Plus others that he didn't address, like just how ridiculous the Han-Greedo cantina scene was, with a trained bounty hunter missing a stationary, human-sized target from two feet away...his shot firing from the barrel of his blaster at an absurd angle...the unrealistic timing of the edited footage...etc. But still, it's a nice, well-written and humorous compilation that I just had to share.
Tags: humor, movies, star wars
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