Knight of Mars (sailornash) wrote,
Knight of Mars

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A bit of Alabama Humor

All good Southerners already know these, but the "Snowbirds" - the Yankees that head down this way during the winter months - aren't going to have no idea about how to survive down here in the Heart of Dixie. So, for all of y'all out there, here's a few tips to keep from seeming quite so clueless and obviously out of place. Pay attention: it might just keep you from getting strung up from a tree while y'all are down here:

1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook what they know.

2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Bubba Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. If you do want "Coke", don't laugh when you ask for a Coke and someone asks you which kind.

4. Don't show allegiances to any college football team that isn't from the SEC. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.

5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, 'cause we know better!

6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.

7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.

8. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.

9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back to wherever you came from.

10. We don't play lacrosse or soccer or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don'

11. We do know how to speak proper English - we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first.

12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!

Anyone else got any I can add to the list? ::chuckles::

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